So I have a lot of friends. I do. I really do. (At least, I think I do)
Anyway, I have a lot of friends who I could tell about my blog. Sure, a couple of them know (shout out to Misha, Sammi, and Nicole). But most of them do not know about it. And I want to widen my audience, especially to people who know me, since a lot of what I share on this blog is really personal.
But I'm terrified. Not least because a lot of what I share on this blog is really personal.
I guess I'm afraid that people will judge me. Or worse, pity me. So when I say that I've had a lot of suck this summer, they'll say lame things like "Aw, don't worry. I'm sure it will get better!" or when I say that I'm ashamed of the way I represented myself and my school at Nationals, they'll say "You did great, and you couldn't have represented us any better!" (a lot of my friends are from forensics). And I don't want that. It is a fact that I have had some rough moments this summer. And I did not represent myself and my abilities fairly at Nationals. I don't want that fact diminished by their pity or made less of by the fact that they want me to feel better.
Which is why every time I start to post something on Facebook about my blog, i stop myself. Because as soon as I put it out there, there's no going back. Some people will click on the link, enter into my life.
Sure, half of them won't care. But some small percentage will not only care, but will read it.
And that's terrifying. Which is, honestly, kind of sad. Because behind my fear of pity and empathy is just straight up fear of people not thinking my writing is good. Thinking my content is lame. People being frustrated with the massive number of Doctor Who posts in the early days, frustrated with the minimal number of DW posts in the last few months...
So the question is: do I just do it, and see what happens? Or do I just leave all of my private thoughts and fears and feelings to be read by a select few friends and mostly people I don't know?
7.22.2013
Deep Thoughts Before 7
I really don't know what to post about. I just really wanted to be on my blog this morning. I went with my mom to drop my dad off before he leaves for a week for training. We left at 4:30, and got home at 5:15. It's 6:30 now. AM. Which means I am tired, my coffee is cold (which is depressing) and I am looking for things to do.
Today I get to go to lunch with my really good friend from school! We haven't seen each other all summer, so I'm pretty excited.
Then I have to do lunch with another friend this week, and I have a friend who wants to meet with me "soon" (I love it when people are ambiguous about when they want to meet and what they want to meet about), and another friend who I need to pull an all-nighter with, so we can bake things and shoot arrows at hay bales.
I still have a couple of things left on my Questing list. But I was telling a friend the other day, it feels like I have mostly fulfilled my quest. This summer has been fantastic. It has sucked so completely and yet I've never grown so much in one summer. I've done a lot of soul-searching, and found out a lot about myself, and tried as much as possible to prepare myself for this next year, and the years of adulthood after it. This summer has had a lot of suck in it, but it's also had a lot of not-suck in it. I've had more moments when I was so completely happy and at peace with the world than I've had in other years. It's been a good balance of good, suck, and learning.
Though I suppose the problem with all the soul-searching over the summer is that I'm going into the school year completely unstable. I still don't know what I want from life, and I have so many questions about myself that I need to answer. I have more uncertainty about my future and what I want, and if it's what I really want. I am still questioning the basis for my existence, and wondering if I've found the truth. Deep stuff to be taking into the craziest semester of my life. But I don't know if there's ever going to be a good time for me to do what I'm doing: there will always be something, I just sort of have to do it.
In class we were reading Descartes, where he decides to eliminate everything he believes to be true until he can't anymore, and thus find the one thing he can be certain of, and he starts it off by saying, "I've come to the perfect point in my life where I can start the careful and methodical process of completely doubting everything I believe and disassembling my entire life and existence." It always made me laugh, imagining that there could ever be a time for that. But I think that's a bit like what I'm doing now. I don't know if we can pick that time for ourselves--it seems to be sort of thrust upon us.
I think one of the worst things about being awake so early is every ten minutes I feel like I should be eating something. Like it's almost 7 now, and I've eaten a bowl and half of cereal, but now it feels like I should make toast, or be eating doughnuts (which we don't have) or waffles. Maybe eggs. It's like my body is continually confused by the daylight around me and the way my day is progressing. Like my life. Ooh, deep thoughts to have before 7 am. They're like the thoughts you have at 3 in the morning, but you can actually put some stock in them, because it's light outside and you can see clearly.
Something else I've been considering lately is that I never finish my cup of coffee in the morning (or at 7 pm). I always intend to finish it, and get so close, but I drink it slowly, and then I either have no time to finish it, or it gets cold, and I dislike microwaved coffee, so half of my coffee goes down the drain. What does that say about me? Maybe I'm going too deep for this early in the morning. I read into things too much: my coffee-drinking habits probably don't say a lot about my mental state or personality. Haha, it's like the coffee-drinking habits are a statemet on society, like modern art. You have to look really close to see the resemblance, and at that point you wonder if there was any point to it in the first place. Society is the way it is, whether you understand the statement about it.
Yeah, I'm definitely going too deep.
Today I get to go to lunch with my really good friend from school! We haven't seen each other all summer, so I'm pretty excited.
Then I have to do lunch with another friend this week, and I have a friend who wants to meet with me "soon" (I love it when people are ambiguous about when they want to meet and what they want to meet about), and another friend who I need to pull an all-nighter with, so we can bake things and shoot arrows at hay bales.
I still have a couple of things left on my Questing list. But I was telling a friend the other day, it feels like I have mostly fulfilled my quest. This summer has been fantastic. It has sucked so completely and yet I've never grown so much in one summer. I've done a lot of soul-searching, and found out a lot about myself, and tried as much as possible to prepare myself for this next year, and the years of adulthood after it. This summer has had a lot of suck in it, but it's also had a lot of not-suck in it. I've had more moments when I was so completely happy and at peace with the world than I've had in other years. It's been a good balance of good, suck, and learning.
Though I suppose the problem with all the soul-searching over the summer is that I'm going into the school year completely unstable. I still don't know what I want from life, and I have so many questions about myself that I need to answer. I have more uncertainty about my future and what I want, and if it's what I really want. I am still questioning the basis for my existence, and wondering if I've found the truth. Deep stuff to be taking into the craziest semester of my life. But I don't know if there's ever going to be a good time for me to do what I'm doing: there will always be something, I just sort of have to do it.
In class we were reading Descartes, where he decides to eliminate everything he believes to be true until he can't anymore, and thus find the one thing he can be certain of, and he starts it off by saying, "I've come to the perfect point in my life where I can start the careful and methodical process of completely doubting everything I believe and disassembling my entire life and existence." It always made me laugh, imagining that there could ever be a time for that. But I think that's a bit like what I'm doing now. I don't know if we can pick that time for ourselves--it seems to be sort of thrust upon us.
I think one of the worst things about being awake so early is every ten minutes I feel like I should be eating something. Like it's almost 7 now, and I've eaten a bowl and half of cereal, but now it feels like I should make toast, or be eating doughnuts (which we don't have) or waffles. Maybe eggs. It's like my body is continually confused by the daylight around me and the way my day is progressing. Like my life. Ooh, deep thoughts to have before 7 am. They're like the thoughts you have at 3 in the morning, but you can actually put some stock in them, because it's light outside and you can see clearly.
Something else I've been considering lately is that I never finish my cup of coffee in the morning (or at 7 pm). I always intend to finish it, and get so close, but I drink it slowly, and then I either have no time to finish it, or it gets cold, and I dislike microwaved coffee, so half of my coffee goes down the drain. What does that say about me? Maybe I'm going too deep for this early in the morning. I read into things too much: my coffee-drinking habits probably don't say a lot about my mental state or personality. Haha, it's like the coffee-drinking habits are a statemet on society, like modern art. You have to look really close to see the resemblance, and at that point you wonder if there was any point to it in the first place. Society is the way it is, whether you understand the statement about it.
Yeah, I'm definitely going too deep.
6.23.2013
Changes
I've been going through...changes.
No, not those kinds of changes.
Basically, everything in my life is changing, very fast, and it's scaring the crap out of me.
First: I'm taking a college class about Philosophy this summer, and it's really challenging to challenge everything you believe and really ask yourself why you believe what you believe.
Second: I start working at Starbucks this Tuesday, which is scary and exctiting at the same time. It's such a great company, and I've heard great things from people who have worked there--and it's my first job, too! Plus I really need a job--really badly--so I can start saving for college and maintain some level of independence with food and gas and things like that.
Third: Forensics. Basically, everything with forensics. I've grown a lot this year from it, from learning how to lose, to learning to win--to going to Nationals and realizing how much I wanted to win, and realizing the level of disappointment one can have in themselves when they know that they didn't do as much as they could have--that the reason they didn't do better is largely their fault.
Then, learning how to be a good friend--I've learned a lot about that, and I've completely changed as a friend, and I've learned how to deal with people that I don't particularly like, and I'm learning how to be okay with the fact that some people just aren't going to like me.
Then all of my friends are leaving (read: not all, but a good majority, and certainly my best friends). I'm going to miss all of them so much. Last night I said good-bye to one of them, and I realized that it might be the last time I see him ever again. With him and the others, it feels too soon: there is so much I want to do with them, tell them; for some of them I feel like I wasn't always the best friend I could have been. There's a hearbreaking combination of regret and sadness, as well as a feeling of empty, that overwhelms me: change.
This fall I'm going to be President of the team, and...there's just so much I want from next year--so much I feel my heart might burst. I want to be the best I can be. I know I worked this year, but I want to work so much harder next year because I know I'm better than what I gave at Nationals. I'm frankly ashamed of myself, and I want to redeem that next year: I want to prove myself to myself. I'm going to get to Nationals again next year, because I'm going to spend all year working on my technique, working on my arguments, working on my flowing--everything, so that I can kick butt and end up on that stage thanking my family and coaches before I read my speech in front of a few hundred people.
Fourth: I'm going to be on-campus at the college this fall, taking 17 credit hours towards my Associate's Degree, and that scares me as well--not only will I be on a campus I've never been at before, I'll be taking more work than I've taken before.
Fifth: I'm not going to date in high school. I know that sounds really melodramatic, but it's honestly a big deal, and certainly a change. I've been sort of hoping something would happen with someone for the last three years, and nothing has: and now I'm a senior, and looking at going to a school out-of-state when I graduate--not exactly a good time to start a relationship. But it's still a change of mindset for me.
Some of these are good changes, but all of them terrify me beyond belief. I was happy with where things were however many weeks ago--saying goodbye to my friends was a long way off, and I didn't have to worry about my future because it wasn't happening yet, and I had no way of knowing I would disappoint myself so painfully at Nationals.
There's no escaping them at this point: they're happening, and all I can do is try to enjoy the good changes and get through the hard ones.
No, not those kinds of changes.
Basically, everything in my life is changing, very fast, and it's scaring the crap out of me.
First: I'm taking a college class about Philosophy this summer, and it's really challenging to challenge everything you believe and really ask yourself why you believe what you believe.
Second: I start working at Starbucks this Tuesday, which is scary and exctiting at the same time. It's such a great company, and I've heard great things from people who have worked there--and it's my first job, too! Plus I really need a job--really badly--so I can start saving for college and maintain some level of independence with food and gas and things like that.
Third: Forensics. Basically, everything with forensics. I've grown a lot this year from it, from learning how to lose, to learning to win--to going to Nationals and realizing how much I wanted to win, and realizing the level of disappointment one can have in themselves when they know that they didn't do as much as they could have--that the reason they didn't do better is largely their fault.
Then, learning how to be a good friend--I've learned a lot about that, and I've completely changed as a friend, and I've learned how to deal with people that I don't particularly like, and I'm learning how to be okay with the fact that some people just aren't going to like me.
Then all of my friends are leaving (read: not all, but a good majority, and certainly my best friends). I'm going to miss all of them so much. Last night I said good-bye to one of them, and I realized that it might be the last time I see him ever again. With him and the others, it feels too soon: there is so much I want to do with them, tell them; for some of them I feel like I wasn't always the best friend I could have been. There's a hearbreaking combination of regret and sadness, as well as a feeling of empty, that overwhelms me: change.
This fall I'm going to be President of the team, and...there's just so much I want from next year--so much I feel my heart might burst. I want to be the best I can be. I know I worked this year, but I want to work so much harder next year because I know I'm better than what I gave at Nationals. I'm frankly ashamed of myself, and I want to redeem that next year: I want to prove myself to myself. I'm going to get to Nationals again next year, because I'm going to spend all year working on my technique, working on my arguments, working on my flowing--everything, so that I can kick butt and end up on that stage thanking my family and coaches before I read my speech in front of a few hundred people.
Fourth: I'm going to be on-campus at the college this fall, taking 17 credit hours towards my Associate's Degree, and that scares me as well--not only will I be on a campus I've never been at before, I'll be taking more work than I've taken before.
Fifth: I'm not going to date in high school. I know that sounds really melodramatic, but it's honestly a big deal, and certainly a change. I've been sort of hoping something would happen with someone for the last three years, and nothing has: and now I'm a senior, and looking at going to a school out-of-state when I graduate--not exactly a good time to start a relationship. But it's still a change of mindset for me.
Some of these are good changes, but all of them terrify me beyond belief. I was happy with where things were however many weeks ago--saying goodbye to my friends was a long way off, and I didn't have to worry about my future because it wasn't happening yet, and I had no way of knowing I would disappoint myself so painfully at Nationals.
There's no escaping them at this point: they're happening, and all I can do is try to enjoy the good changes and get through the hard ones.
Reasons
Reasons Why I Fail:
*I still haven't started my vlog (I've written the script, but I have yet to film it)
*I haven't posted on here in forever
*I still have a few episodes of Doctor Who to post about
*I was pathetically unprepared for Nationals, and so was knocked out during the preliminary rounds
*I have missed two days of my Philosophy class already, because I was at Nationals, and now I can't go tomorrow either because I have a dentist appointment--making that three classes in a row
Reasons Why Life is Good:
*My summer has actually started
*I had an awesome week with my team
*I start work on Tuesday
*I'm posting on my blog now
*Doctor Who comes back in five months (to the day)
*I have a three month break from forensics before I start getting into gear to rock people's socks for the next forensics season
*Life is going to get crazy and really good
A friend of mine asked me what my goals were for the next year, and I told him that it would have to be
A) to not get overwhelmed by everything going on around me (because it's a lot)
and
B) to enjoy everything going on around me (because it's all good)
I need to not stress myself out about everything I have to do and when I have to do it, and just realize that life will always be busy, but I'll get it all done--and remember to not get so caught up in how much I have to do that I forget to have fun doing it.
*I still haven't started my vlog (I've written the script, but I have yet to film it)
*I haven't posted on here in forever
*I still have a few episodes of Doctor Who to post about
*I was pathetically unprepared for Nationals, and so was knocked out during the preliminary rounds
*I have missed two days of my Philosophy class already, because I was at Nationals, and now I can't go tomorrow either because I have a dentist appointment--making that three classes in a row
Reasons Why Life is Good:
*My summer has actually started
*I had an awesome week with my team
*I start work on Tuesday
*I'm posting on my blog now
*Doctor Who comes back in five months (to the day)
*I have a three month break from forensics before I start getting into gear to rock people's socks for the next forensics season
*Life is going to get crazy and really good
A friend of mine asked me what my goals were for the next year, and I told him that it would have to be
A) to not get overwhelmed by everything going on around me (because it's a lot)
and
B) to enjoy everything going on around me (because it's all good)
I need to not stress myself out about everything I have to do and when I have to do it, and just realize that life will always be busy, but I'll get it all done--and remember to not get so caught up in how much I have to do that I forget to have fun doing it.
5.25.2013
My most popular post
After publishing the last post on Graduation, I started looking at the individual views for all of my posts, trying to find out which of my posts has the most views. For a while, it was one of my posts on the oovoo toolbar. Then I got to my Season 1 days, and there it was, with 24 views: Boom Town.
BOOM TOWN?! Boom Town is my most popular post? Why? I hated that episode! Of all seven seasons of Doctor Who that I've seen, that's probably my least favorite episode, and that's the post everyone reads? I was taken aback to say the least. My brother thinks it might be because it's the most interesting of all of my posts, but that's not true. My Oovoo toolbar updates are far more entertaining, and you would think recent Who (not season 1) would be the most viewed.
I'm just flabbergasted.
BOOM TOWN?! Boom Town is my most popular post? Why? I hated that episode! Of all seven seasons of Doctor Who that I've seen, that's probably my least favorite episode, and that's the post everyone reads? I was taken aback to say the least. My brother thinks it might be because it's the most interesting of all of my posts, but that's not true. My Oovoo toolbar updates are far more entertaining, and you would think recent Who (not season 1) would be the most viewed.
I'm just flabbergasted.
Graduation
So today is one of the days for graduation. The school I compete at is having their graduation today, so I have a lot of friends who are graduating today.
Initially, I wasn't going to go because I just didn't want to. I hear stories from people about how it's really like sitting for two hours and just hearing names called out, and cheering every once in a while for people you know.
And that just didn't sound fun to me.
Then this morning, I got a text from one of my friends who is graduating today, and she said something like, "You're coming to the ceremony tonight right?"
It was like a knife to the gut.
Because I guess I'd just assumed that the graduates wouldn't care if I came. That was my first mistake. Then, as I realized I had to tell her I couldn't come (for a legitimate reason), I realized that I actually wanted to go. I mean, it would be less exciting if I had to sit by myself, but if I found some friends who were also going, I could sit with them, and it would be fun cheering for my friends who I care about so much, and getting to see them afterwards and congratulate them.
And now I can't go, which is making me feel depressed. Why can't I go? Because earlier this week, when my mom asked me if I had anything going on on this particular night, I said no, because I thought I didn't want to go. So we're having someone over. Not that it won't be fun hanging out with this particular person, but I feel like a horrible human being for not going to the graduation, and it's all my fault that I can't go.
So, friend, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could come, but I can't. And now you know why.
BUT for all of my friends who are graduating today, I will probably be at your graduation parties tomorrow! So I'll still get to see you and congratulate you, even if it's not tonight. Though I wish it could be tonight. Okay, that's enough feeling sorry for myself.
Initially, I wasn't going to go because I just didn't want to. I hear stories from people about how it's really like sitting for two hours and just hearing names called out, and cheering every once in a while for people you know.
And that just didn't sound fun to me.
Then this morning, I got a text from one of my friends who is graduating today, and she said something like, "You're coming to the ceremony tonight right?"
It was like a knife to the gut.
Because I guess I'd just assumed that the graduates wouldn't care if I came. That was my first mistake. Then, as I realized I had to tell her I couldn't come (for a legitimate reason), I realized that I actually wanted to go. I mean, it would be less exciting if I had to sit by myself, but if I found some friends who were also going, I could sit with them, and it would be fun cheering for my friends who I care about so much, and getting to see them afterwards and congratulate them.
And now I can't go, which is making me feel depressed. Why can't I go? Because earlier this week, when my mom asked me if I had anything going on on this particular night, I said no, because I thought I didn't want to go. So we're having someone over. Not that it won't be fun hanging out with this particular person, but I feel like a horrible human being for not going to the graduation, and it's all my fault that I can't go.
So, friend, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could come, but I can't. And now you know why.
BUT for all of my friends who are graduating today, I will probably be at your graduation parties tomorrow! So I'll still get to see you and congratulate you, even if it's not tonight. Though I wish it could be tonight. Okay, that's enough feeling sorry for myself.
I think I'm going to do it. Finally.
Months ago (perhaps a year ago) I discussed on this blog my idea to do a vlog on YouTube, called Confessions of a Vamp1reslayr. I was going to do "confessions" every video, where I confessed that I was a fan of Doctor Who, or that I had a blog, or various other pointless tidbits about me and my life.
I've changed my mind. Not about having a vlog; that desire remains strong. But rather, I've changed my mind about what the vlog will be about. I'm not going to do Confessions. In fact, I won't probably have a theme.
So why am I going to start now? I'm inspired. It started, obviously, months ago, and then I talked myself out of it as school started and life got cray-cray. Then I started watching this "weekly" documentary called Becoming YouTube. Becoming YouTube is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. It's all about YouTube and the YouTubers who make content, and the content that they make. From the start, it was inspiring, with its calls to people who want to make YouTube videos to actually make YouTube videos. Most inspiring was the episode on Girls on YouTube. This particular episode centered on the content that females make, and the responses they get, as well as the major discrepancy between females and males on YouTube. Frankly, not many females make YouTube videos. And if they do, they tend to be hair and makeup tutorials, not quality vlogs. That episode ended with a call to females to make content--and to make good content.
Yet, when that episode came out, I was deeply entrenched in my second semester of college-work, and had no time to start. Then I discovered Itswaypastmybedtime, a vlog created by Carrie Fletcher. Carrie is awesome. She's one of my favorite people on YouTube, and she makes really good vlogs. I fell in love with her videos, and I've been watching them regularly. And then, school ended, and I had all of these ideas about what I wanted to do with my summer. And vlogging hadn't occurred to me. Then just the other day (Thursday) we watched a movie called Indie Game, which is about Indie game developers. Which you wouldn't think is related to vlogging, but they were talking about the creative process, and how it was sort of like sending your kid to the first day of school, and you can only wait. And it just reminded me so much of what YouTubers say about YouTube, and the videos they upload, and so many different videos came to mind:
Becoming Youtube, every single episode
Charlieissocoollike, I'm Scared
Crabstickz, Quitting YouTube
(And no, I did not alphabetize those on purpose--though I did just finish fixing our movie stand for alphabetization)
And I realized right then: I wanted to start making YouTube videos. So I started thinking about when I could do it, and I was busy Thursday because I was going to a grad party, and Friday I had breakfast with a friend and a grad party, so I decided that today, Saturday, was going to be the day I made my first YouTube video.
We'll see if it actually happens. It's 2 pm already, and I haven't eaten lunch (it's almost ready), and I still have some chores to get done, and then we have someone coming over tonight (I dunno when) so we'll see if I actually have time to film it.
But I have an idea, I have the resolve, and I think I'm actually going to do it this time.
I think.
I've changed my mind. Not about having a vlog; that desire remains strong. But rather, I've changed my mind about what the vlog will be about. I'm not going to do Confessions. In fact, I won't probably have a theme.
So why am I going to start now? I'm inspired. It started, obviously, months ago, and then I talked myself out of it as school started and life got cray-cray. Then I started watching this "weekly" documentary called Becoming YouTube. Becoming YouTube is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. It's all about YouTube and the YouTubers who make content, and the content that they make. From the start, it was inspiring, with its calls to people who want to make YouTube videos to actually make YouTube videos. Most inspiring was the episode on Girls on YouTube. This particular episode centered on the content that females make, and the responses they get, as well as the major discrepancy between females and males on YouTube. Frankly, not many females make YouTube videos. And if they do, they tend to be hair and makeup tutorials, not quality vlogs. That episode ended with a call to females to make content--and to make good content.
Yet, when that episode came out, I was deeply entrenched in my second semester of college-work, and had no time to start. Then I discovered Itswaypastmybedtime, a vlog created by Carrie Fletcher. Carrie is awesome. She's one of my favorite people on YouTube, and she makes really good vlogs. I fell in love with her videos, and I've been watching them regularly. And then, school ended, and I had all of these ideas about what I wanted to do with my summer. And vlogging hadn't occurred to me. Then just the other day (Thursday) we watched a movie called Indie Game, which is about Indie game developers. Which you wouldn't think is related to vlogging, but they were talking about the creative process, and how it was sort of like sending your kid to the first day of school, and you can only wait. And it just reminded me so much of what YouTubers say about YouTube, and the videos they upload, and so many different videos came to mind:
Becoming Youtube, every single episode
Charlieissocoollike, I'm Scared
Crabstickz, Quitting YouTube
(And no, I did not alphabetize those on purpose--though I did just finish fixing our movie stand for alphabetization)
And I realized right then: I wanted to start making YouTube videos. So I started thinking about when I could do it, and I was busy Thursday because I was going to a grad party, and Friday I had breakfast with a friend and a grad party, so I decided that today, Saturday, was going to be the day I made my first YouTube video.
We'll see if it actually happens. It's 2 pm already, and I haven't eaten lunch (it's almost ready), and I still have some chores to get done, and then we have someone coming over tonight (I dunno when) so we'll see if I actually have time to film it.
But I have an idea, I have the resolve, and I think I'm actually going to do it this time.
I think.
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