Fear...which is sad

So I have a lot of friends. I do. I really do. (At least, I think I do)

Anyway, I have a lot of friends who I could tell about my blog. Sure, a couple of them know (shout out to Misha, Sammi, and Nicole). But most of them do not know about it. And I want to widen my audience, especially to people who know me, since a lot of what I share on this blog is really personal.

But I'm terrified. Not least because a lot of what I share on this blog is really personal.

I guess I'm afraid that people will judge me. Or worse, pity me. So when I say that I've had a lot of suck this summer, they'll say lame things like "Aw, don't worry. I'm sure it will get better!" or when I say that I'm ashamed of the way I represented myself and my school at Nationals, they'll say "You did great, and you couldn't have represented us any better!" (a lot of my friends are from forensics). And I don't want that. It is a fact that I have had some rough moments this summer. And I did not represent myself and my abilities fairly at Nationals. I don't want that fact diminished by their pity or made less of by the fact that they want me to feel better.

Which is why every time I start to post something on Facebook about my blog, i stop myself. Because as soon as I put it out there, there's no going back. Some people will click on the link, enter into my life.

Sure, half of them won't care. But some small percentage will not only care, but will read it.

And that's terrifying. Which is, honestly, kind of sad. Because behind my fear of pity and empathy is just straight up fear of people not thinking my writing is good. Thinking my content is lame. People being frustrated with the massive number of Doctor Who posts in the early days, frustrated with the minimal number of DW posts in the last few months...

So the question is: do I just do it, and see what happens? Or do I just leave all of my private thoughts and fears and feelings to be read by a select few friends and mostly people I don't know?

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