Deep Thoughts Before 7

I really don't know what to post about. I just really wanted to be on my blog this morning. I went with my mom to drop my dad off before he leaves for a week for training. We left at 4:30, and got home at 5:15. It's 6:30 now. AM. Which means I am tired, my coffee is cold (which is depressing) and I am looking for things to do.

Today I get to go to lunch with my really good friend from school! We haven't seen each other all summer, so I'm pretty excited.

Then I have to do lunch with another friend this week, and I have a friend who wants to meet with me "soon" (I love it when people are ambiguous about when they want to meet and what they want to meet about), and another friend who I need to pull an all-nighter with, so we can bake things and shoot arrows at hay bales.

I still have a couple of things left on my Questing list. But I was telling a friend the other day, it feels like I have mostly fulfilled my quest. This summer has been fantastic. It has sucked so completely and yet I've never grown so much in one summer. I've done a lot of soul-searching, and found out a lot about myself, and tried as much as possible to prepare myself for this next year, and the years of adulthood after it. This summer has had a lot of suck in it, but it's also had a lot of not-suck in it. I've had more moments when I was so completely happy and at peace with the world than I've had in other years. It's been a good balance of good, suck, and learning.

Though I suppose the problem with all the soul-searching over the summer is that I'm going into the school year completely unstable. I still don't know what I want from life, and I have so many questions about myself that I need to answer. I have more uncertainty about my future and what I want, and if it's what I really want. I am still questioning the basis for my existence, and wondering if I've found the truth. Deep stuff to be taking into the craziest semester of my life. But I don't know if there's ever going to be a good time for me to do what I'm doing: there will always be something, I just sort of have to do it.

In class we were reading Descartes, where he decides to eliminate everything he believes to be true until he can't anymore, and thus find the one thing he can be certain of, and he starts it off by saying, "I've come to the perfect point in my life where I can start the careful and methodical process of completely doubting everything I believe and disassembling my entire life and existence." It always made me laugh, imagining that there could ever be a time for that. But I think that's a bit like what I'm doing now. I don't know if we can pick that time for ourselves--it seems to be sort of thrust upon us.

I think one of the worst things about being awake so early is every ten minutes I feel like I should be eating something. Like it's almost 7 now, and I've eaten a bowl and half of cereal, but now it feels like I should make toast, or be eating doughnuts (which we don't have) or waffles. Maybe eggs. It's like my body is continually confused by the daylight around me and the way my day is progressing. Like my life. Ooh, deep thoughts to have before 7 am. They're like the thoughts you have at 3 in the morning, but you can actually put some stock in them, because it's light outside and you can see clearly.

Something else I've been considering lately is that I never finish my cup of coffee in the morning (or at 7 pm). I always intend to finish it, and get so close, but I drink it slowly, and then I either have no time to finish it, or it gets cold, and I dislike microwaved coffee, so half of my coffee goes down the drain. What does that say about me? Maybe I'm going too deep for this early in the morning. I read into things too much: my coffee-drinking habits probably don't say a lot about my mental state or personality. Haha, it's like the coffee-drinking habits are a statemet on society, like modern art. You have to look really close to see the resemblance, and at that point you wonder if there was any point to it in the first place. Society is the way it is, whether you understand the statement about it.

Yeah, I'm definitely going too deep.

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