I've been going through...changes.

No, not those kinds of changes.

Basically, everything in my life is changing, very fast, and it's scaring the crap out of me.

First: I'm taking a college class about Philosophy this summer, and it's really challenging to challenge everything you believe and really ask yourself why you believe what you believe.

Second: I start working at Starbucks this Tuesday, which is scary and exctiting at the same time. It's such a great company, and I've heard great things from people who have worked there--and it's my first job, too! Plus I really need a job--really badly--so I can start saving for college and maintain some level of independence with food and gas and things like that.

Third: Forensics. Basically, everything with forensics. I've grown a lot this year from it, from learning how to lose, to learning to win--to going to Nationals and realizing how much I wanted to win, and realizing the level of disappointment one can have in themselves when they know that they didn't do as much as they could have--that the reason they didn't do better is largely their fault.

Then, learning how to be a good friend--I've learned a lot about that, and I've completely changed as a friend, and I've learned how to deal with people that I don't particularly like, and I'm learning how to be okay with the fact that some people just aren't going to like me.

Then all of my friends are leaving (read: not all, but a good majority, and certainly my best friends). I'm going to miss all of them so much. Last night I said good-bye to one of them, and I realized that it might be the last time I see him ever again. With him and the others, it feels too soon: there is so much I want to do with them, tell them; for some of them I feel like I wasn't always the best friend I could have been. There's a hearbreaking combination of regret and sadness, as well as a feeling of empty, that overwhelms me: change.

This fall I'm going to be President of the team, and...there's just so much I want from next year--so much I feel my heart might burst. I want to be the best I can be. I know I worked this year, but I want to work so much harder next year because I know I'm better than what I gave at Nationals. I'm frankly ashamed of myself, and I want to redeem that next year: I want to prove myself to myself. I'm going to get to Nationals again next year, because I'm going to spend all year working on my technique, working on my arguments, working on my flowing--everything, so that I can kick butt and end up on that stage thanking my family and coaches before I read my speech in front of a few hundred people.

Fourth: I'm going to be on-campus at the college this fall, taking 17 credit hours towards my Associate's Degree, and that scares me as well--not only will I be on a campus I've never been at before, I'll be taking more work than I've taken before.

Fifth: I'm not going to date in high school. I know that sounds really melodramatic, but it's honestly a big deal, and certainly a change. I've been sort of hoping something would happen with someone for the last three years, and nothing has: and now I'm a senior, and looking at going to a school out-of-state when I graduate--not exactly a good time to start a relationship. But it's still a change of mindset for me.

Some of these are good changes, but all of them terrify me beyond belief. I was happy with where things were however many weeks ago--saying goodbye to my friends was a long way off, and I didn't have to worry about my future because it wasn't happening yet, and I had no way of knowing I would disappoint myself so painfully at Nationals.

There's no escaping them at this point: they're happening, and all I can do is try to enjoy the good changes and get through the hard ones.

No comments:

Cool People in the World